The head and heart are amazing collaborators. This afternoon I discovered--yet again!--how effective they are at holding grudges when confronted with perceived hurts and resentments.
The set up: Frances accused me of convincing her to give away her fishing net when she couldn't find it in the basement since that's "what I always do." I felt hurt. Frances is a collector and accumulates possessions to the point that it's hard to find what she wants when she wants it.
I decided to engage myself in a T'ai Chi Chih practice when it became clear that this disagreement wouldn't easily resolve. What I discovered during my practice was that I didn't want to let go of my frustration and resentment. The beauty of my surroundings, the sweetness of the breeze, and the softness of the movements didn't matter, I felt falsely accused--damn it!--and I simply had to prove my innocence.
With that attitude in my heart and mind I couldn't relax, release, and let go. Near the end of TCC practice I realized how sad (and angry) I felt. I decided to segue immediately into seated meditation and during that practice a few tears finally began to flow. And now ... now I feel a bit better (and lighter).
Still, I'm dumbfounded by how quickly and effectively the body and psyche's defense mechanisms come to the fore. Thank goodness I have a daily practice that helps me to realize (and sometimes reframe) the automatic responses of my mindbody. It's my hope that with practice, practice, and more practice I'll become a more effective advocate for love and acceptance over anger and defensiveness.
That is my hope and my prayer....